Speaking of time, it's insane how much can happen in just a short amount of time.
Since I've been gone, I've climbed to the top of the largest and oldest Buddhist temple in the world (and almost passed out--don't forget to eat breakfast!): Borobudur.
I've done a filmed presentation on my life in Indonesia in front of four schools (including my own) and managed not to freak out completely.
I finally got to see and touch my favorite animal: A komodo dragon. And I got to keep a tooth.
I've competed and managed to win third place in a competition with my host mother, brother, and our neighbor--we won 2,000,000 rupiah (roughly $200)!!!
These are just small tokens of the many exciting adventures I've had over the past few months. But those events are nothing to the amount of change that has overcome me in these 9 months in Indonesia.I feel very strange at the moment. As if I am no longer the same Baillie I was when I left Virginia on a noon flight. I feel as if I've completely started over, a whole new life that started the moment I moved in with my host family. I've been through the trials and tribulations of getting used to new surroundings (the infant stage). I wandered the streets of my new city with wide, interested eyes, clinging to my family as they helped me begin my new life in such a critical point of exchange.
I had to overcome extreme barriers such as language and culture next (the toddler stage). I took my time getting used to the taste of strange words on my foreign tongue, and even longer time to adapt to some of the strangest customs. Waving your hand down, while in the US would mean sit down now meant come here. Saying "unh-unh" in the US constituted a 'no', but while in Indonesia, that is an utterance of agreement. 'Shaking hands' with adults is actually pressing their hand to your forehead, in a sign of respect. But eventually, I did get the hang of all of this.
Once I became more comfortable, I was on top of the world. There was neither bad nor good, just a happy medium that I was more than content with (the child stage). I felt light and airy as I grew comfortable with my surroundings: traveling alone by train, eating exotic foods I would've never picked up back in my home country (squid and goat are my two examples), and speaking the language in the utmost confidence. I knew very little about what was going on around me, only that I was enjoying my time and living life to the fullest, and that's all that really mattered to me at the time.Then, things got dark again. I couldn't find my reason for being here, I felt like I hadn't accomplished much and just was confused in general (the teenager stage). I stumbled over words I had known for months out of nervousness. I grew anxious with everything, whether it be school, public transport, or the lack of knowledge I felt I had yet to culminate. I grew weary as I woke up everyday, looking at the calendar and wondering how I still had so many months left. Hadn't I done everything I could possibly do?
And finally, as the life cycle goes, I have reached the peak of adulthood. I now have seen myself mature from a young girl into a woman who is proud of herself. I've grown to love myself more than I ever have in the US, I've grown to learn that it is okay to love yourself. And more importantly, that it's okay to love others. I've realized the burdens of the world now; the tragedies that befall my beautiful second home, the joy and sorrow of loving people you may not see again for years to come, and that to enjoy life, you must let go of the reins and ride freely: but to release those reins, you must first take them back from others who may be holding them. I've begun to see the results of my weekly English lessons with children of the nearby kampung. I've begun to see how my relationships with classmates at school has helped them see the United States in a new and realistic light. I see now how important it is for students from all over the world to go away and teach others about their land while picking up a few tidbits themselves. I even have begun to see my skin in a new way, embracing not only my color but the things that differentiate me from a set of standards that people may have set for me. Yes, I believe I've grown a lot and only have more growing to do as my exchange continues.
But that life cycle isn't what's making me feel so weird. It's the fact that as my exchange comes to a close, I'm afraid of death. Or the 'afterlife', so to speak. I've created my own little world here, and I am now a new and improved version of myself. But what's going to happen when I return? Do I go back to the mundane high school activities that compare in no way to the incredible experiences I've had here? Or do I have to start my life cycle all over again, readjusting to the old patterns, getting adapted all over again?
And as I write this out, I'm beginning to realize that perhaps I shouldn't be worrying about this now. I should take the advice of myself and many others, and just enjoy the rest of what exchange has to offer. Still, it's hard to imagine the end of this life I have created. My school year ends this Friday, my exchange year ends in a little under seven weeks. This life as I know it will cease to exist, and I have to face my old self head on and hand it a slice of my new self, and only hope the two will coexist peacefully. But who am I to say what will happen? I could turn my back on this exchange life and just remember it as a year of incredible experiences. Or maybe I'll take this as a time of renewal and personal rebirth, and change myself completely. Or perhaps, I'll be lucky and my new and old self will merge seamlessly with no enormous conflict, and I'll be just Baillie again. But I reiterate, who am I to say?After all, none of us truly knows what goes on in the afterlife.
Sampai jumpa lagi,
-Baillie
No comments:
Post a Comment